Here's one of Darrell. Not quite as exciting.

Me. Celebrating my birthday by eating Spam in my underwear. (Exactly how the Spam got in my underwear I'll never know!)

Here is the box cover. (Click on the image to see it enlarged.)

Here are the instructions. (Click on them to see them enlarged.)

Inside the box was an assortment of non-toxic paints, a canvas, paper and some plastic protectors. As soon as I feel brave, I may post Squatch's and Daisy's masterpieces here so you can see them.

When it was upstairs, I could close the door and rest assured that my cat would leave it alone. Since I couldn't do that anymore, this year was different.

That begged for a gadget to solve a problem of a cat who won't leave the tree alone. Enter into the picture the ssscat.

I bought it this morning, and coincidentally Squatch was very wound up today. The tree was shaking by its base as Squatch molested it despite my pleas to stop. So I deployed the ssscat and, seconds later, my cat put it to the test.

Here are some videos of ssscat in action. Please keep in mind that none of these are actually my cat.

Then I looked at my own Facebook profile photo.

And I thought to myself, "Wow. My picture sucks."

I asked myself, what makes this dude's Facebook photo so cool and, conversely, mine so sucky? Here are the top reasons:

• Cool background. Notice how Jason's photo has a background of him on the beach. Obviously Jason goes to cool places. My photo was taken in my spare bedroom. The photos reflect something of each of our personalities. Jason goes to the beach; I sit around the house in my underpants a lot.


• Cool framing. Jason's coolness is underscored by the fact that his face is interestingly framed in a photo by putting it off-center. (Illustrating the rule of thirds.) And to balance the slight roundness of his features, the top of his head is slightly cropped. My photo is uninterestingly centered with plenty of emphasis on my receding hairline.


• Cool lighting. Jason's photo is interestingly lit, with exposure of the photo appropriately balanced between the foreground (his bronzed facial features) and the contrasting background of white sand and pale sky. My photo is drably lit by the monitor of the computer whose built-in camera I used to take my photo, the rays from which would be the closest I ever get to getting any sun.

So I figure I need a new photo that capitalizes on balance and coolness and emphasizes my greatest physical attributes. How about this?

1. Body Glide. Like Chapstick for your ass.
2. Metamucil. Because life is good when they float.
3. Tylenol. For times when it's inappropriate to use liquor to numb the pain.
4. Hanes Sweatpants. Let's face it: you gave up on being fashionable years ago.
5. Coors Light. When any beer will do.
6. Wal-Mart. Creepy people. Great prices.
7. Heroes. We'll tease you for the entire season, wrap everything up the last 15 minutes of the finale and leave you unsatisfied.
8. Amazon.com. It's fun to shop at home wearing only your underwear.
9. Dial Soap. You're only as ugly as you smell.
10. Starbucks. As addicting as smoking—only slightly more expensive.